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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  October 7, 2011 9:00am-9:30am PDT

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>> october 6, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. oh, we have a nice show tonight. i think you're going to enjoy yourself, our guest jason sudeikis here to pro note-- promote a new program he's on saturday,-- on "saturday night live", god bless him. i don't know if this though is going to last, everybody knows, saturday night is bridge night. everybody that watches the program we recently spent time analyzing how sarah palin has been traveling the country in a constitution wrapped bus frequenting early primary states and talking about her plans to
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save america which suggested two very distinct requesteds. >> you are either running for president of the united states or you are a crazy person. (laughter) well, last night sarah palin went on fox news, bravely supporting-- that could have easily car keyed her away in -- to provide the answer. >> no, i'm not running. >> jon: so i'm ready to call it with 100% of sarah palin's reporting tonight. the winner is crazy person. (cheers and applause) crazy person was the obvious front-runner. only thing now is for sarah palin to make her concession speech. but unlike certain attention whores who will remain the governor of new jersey, sarah palin played it in her typical low key fashion. statement released for the radio then a few hours later on the people. >> to tell you the truth, i made my announcement today in the format that i did
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because that was his 7 1,000,000, no and i didn't want to go through all of that. i wanted to, you know, just kind of put the marker down and say no, i'm not rung. not have a big press conference, not make a big darn deal about it, because this isn't about me. (laughter) >> jon: this isn't about me. although truth be told you can't spell america without-- (laughter) or if i may ask you governor palin, than what were you doing. >> sarah palin has started the nationwide bus tour. >> she cashed mitt romney's party bringing her bus tour to new hampshire on the same day the former massachusetts governor was there to announce for president. >> president obama makes his first 2011 visit in iowa, and at the same time sarah palin makes an appearance.
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>> sarah palin wasn't in the big debate and she is not on saturday's iowa extrapoll ballot but rolled into the state fair. >> the tour is really stealing the political center from so other prospective candidates within the worst part isn't she is like a guest at a wedding that shows up wearing a wedding dress but insists, hey, i am not here spoiling your big day, i'm just here to help you get your message out about fiddlity. (laughter) oh, and if you don't mind, i have some vows i want to read, it won't take a minute. (laughter) you know, it's not that-- for the most part her narcissism is victimless crime, except for this. >> two weeks ago palin supporters got a letter from sarahpac curiously specific about its purpose. as you know, governor palin is on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office. someone must save our nation from the road to european social ill, do you think it should be goff ter palin. if so, can you send your best one time gift to sarahpac and show her we support her if she decides to run. so everyone, let me
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translate that, if you want tinker bell to live, clap harrer. (laughter) now sarahpac isn't just some grass roots palin fan club that sprouted up naturally out of the manure fields of wasilla. it's sarah palin's pac and by pac i mean pack of money. it's her money, she controls it, she already used previous donations for her family vacation necessities like the 14,000 dollar constitution bus art, $10,000 on logistical trip consulting. $7,000 on lodging and $3200 that want to her parents, chuck and sallie heath for purpose of disbursement correspondence and card mailing. now you may say to yourself, wow, that is [bleep] crazy. but those are the rules that are set up. the only way that the little scheme would be dishonorable or shady is if palin had known all along what her decision was yet continued to dangle her indecision as a lure.
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to unsuspecting donors. how are you going to prove that. you would have to find someone close to the operation but perhaps too naive to realize she has inadvertently spilled the beans on let's say june 28th. >> do you get the sense that your mom has not made up her mind or do you think she knows and hasn't told us. >> you know, she definitely knows. we talked about it before, but some things just need to stay in the family. (laughter) >> jon: see, that kind of takes the out of the self-less category and puts it in the nigerian prince territory. (laughter) but you know every time god closes a door she opens a window. herman cain backed by soaring poll numbers has lunched an offensive appearing late night to sunday morning to whatever this is. >> hi,s with as you know i
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have been trying to get mitt romney and perry to come and do a video with me and so far they haven't accepted. and i wanted to get a first-tier candidate so we had to make our-- our own, herman cain. la. (laughter) >> jon: you better hurry up the interview because i'm sure that la quinta suite is booked for a porn shoot at about 2:00. (laughter) >> the secret to cain's success, branding and charm. >> there is ice milk and hagen danz black walnut. >> black walnut isn't a favorite of the week. >> you still see black walnut moving up the charts within i can eat black walnut all the time. >> black walnut. (laughter) >> stephen: very likable. don't you think black wall nrt would have been the best 70 blaxploitation movie ever. rudy ray, black walnut.
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the black private dickçó who's shell is really thick. george kennedy is his arch nemesis honky pistachio. and pam greer is the hottest woman ever in the world. herman cain isn't all ice cream, he's got substance. he has taken on the wall strees protest. >> i don't know what they want but i think they think that the banks have given them a raw deal over the last few years. >> i don't have facts to back this up. >> jon: let me stop you right there. herman cain, that is adorable. i don't have facts to back-- you still expect the media to demand you back your claims up with facts? when you have done this a little longer you will rel realize they [bleep]. that reporter is not listening to you, he is just admiring his paying attention face in the monitor behind you. (laughter) anyway, you were saying about no facts. >> i don't have facts to back this up, but i happen
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to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the obama administration. >> jon: that's all you got? hey, man, if you don't have facts to back it up, why don't you put it more out there i don't have facts to back this up but i think the president is a spy from an alternate universe where dinosaurs never went extinct and people are kept as pets, you know. i will tell you, give us another stupid nonfactual black walnut protest analysis. >> don't blame wall street. don't blame the big banks. if you don't have a job and you are not rich, blame yourself. >> it not a person's fault because they succeeded. it is a person's fault if they failed. >> jon: that is interesting, so people should not scape goat anybody just because they didn't attain the american dream. >> the american dream is under attack because our government has been hijacked by the liberals in washington d.c.. >> jon: wait, i saw you blame yourself.
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oh, so it's not, you don't blame-- you don't blame big business. you blame yourself and liberals. >> you know, i don't have facts to back this up-- but the minimum wage is a plot to bring down pizza chains. and activia yogurt is filled with tiny ghosts whose purpose is to scare the poop out of you. (laughter) and besides, and besides, the statute of limitations on corporate core ruping has expired. you don't think the banks have anything to do with the crisis that we went into in 2008. >> they did have something to do with the crisis that we went into in 2008. but we are not in 2008. we're in 2011. >> jon: it was three years ago. if we were bees we would already be dead and our great grandchildren would be in charge.
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you think bees worry about what happened three generations ago. they are too busy making honey and communicating through dance. >> you know, i don't have the facts to back this up-- (laughter) but john boehner cries a lot because his nose is an onion. (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. you know, i don't have the facts to back this up-- (laughter) but i heard that when we go to sleep the washington monument goes and bathes in the reflecting pool. (laughter) as you may have heard wall street is currently occupied. but what's really going on down there. find out we sent sam b to the occupation, to occupy the occupiers. >> as you may have heard in downtown manhattan, the anger of the people is raising to the surface. >> i'm fed up. i'm angry. >> i'm up set. >> i'm angry, enough, guys, go home. >> i want the protestors to go home. >> i'm sorry what. >> the protestors. >> yes, in america's new rage-based economy, the workers are speaking out in anger, against people
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speaking out in anger against the man. >> they've been harassing us, they've been abusing us. >> you walk into the store and there is [bleep] all over the place and somebody thought it was fine to leave it like that. >> reporter: okay, so someone came into your bathroom stall, and [bleep] all over the place, and left. >> i had this one guy come in, in the middle of the store, yelling boycott penini. >> they broke it. >> one of the sinks is pulled off the wall because they were trying to shower in the sink. >> they actually came in here the other day and wanted me to take care of their waste. >> the protestors came to your store and asked you to dispose of their bags of human -- >> exactly. >> exkrement. >> exactly. >> oh my god. was's the minimum purchase that would justify someone crop dusting your washroom and washing their croc in your sink. >> normally a bottle ofed so all would have been fine. >> i realized i kneed to give voice to the powerless to confront the other powerless. >> if you see something that you don't think is right you
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have the ability to change it. and you have the right to change it. and as an american, i think you have the duty to try to change it. >> speaking of doesn'ty, where is everyone around here pooping? >> mostly at the mcdonald's. the burger kin wouldn't let us in. >> when is the last time you -- >> went to the bathroom. >> yeah. >> i just went -- >> are you being respectful of the local businesses. >> i'm not patronizing them but -- >> you're not patronizing them. >> that's my right as a consumer. that's how-- the free market works. >> no, it isn't. you are supposed go in there and buy something, you can't sponge bathe your genitals in the rest room. everybody wants to support what you are doing but when you go into the stores and use their washrooms and then the sink breaks and water goes everywhere, and the place floods, and there's ass juice on everything, it's not good for anybody. >> i don't disagree. >> there had to be a way to bring these two sides together so america could move forward. i had a couple of ideas.
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>> stacey, this is bobbie, bobbie this is stacey. >> how are you doing. >> okay. >> bobby came in here once before and got turned away because he wasn't going to buy anything. we are going to build a bridge here today. >> that would be great. >> bobby has to go to the bathroom and he is going to buy something in your establishment. so that he can justify using your washroom, like a regular customer. so -- >> i actually don't have any money. >> oh for [bleep] sakes, fine. if i could heal the nation for the cost of a muffin, it would be worth it. >> all right. i'm just going to make sure nothing weird happens. >> okay, here we go. very good. and you better keep it clean, no drips. >> if you want justice for all workers, you also have to believe in justice for the workers in your
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neighborhood. >> left it cleaner than we started.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: my guest tonight an actor, you can catch him on "saturday night live", please welcome to the program jason sudeikis. (cheers and applause) thank you for being here. i apologise to you, i have what they call strep throat even though i'm a grown man. they swabbed and i did not want to in any way pass the strep on to you, although now that i realize this i do use my jacket to wipe my nose. >> yeah which a lot of people can't do it's very difficult to do. >> but when you have a nose like mine. >> i was going to-- come on, come on, take it easy on yourself. you look great. what's happening man.
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>> how is the show this week. >> we're about halfway through the week so it's great now. we got two days to screw it up. >> jon: "saturday night live" is like putting on every week, yeah, an hour and a half full on broadway thee at call production. >> big old variety show. >> jon: that is different every week. it is a monster undertaking. >> it certainly is i certainly had my feelings before working about it, once you got there you become inundated with what you have to do week after week. you are like this is hard as hell. and the variables are outside-- what is going on in the world and internally different music, different hosts. you got to, we call it each week like starting at the bottom of sketch mountain and trying to push this giant boulder, i think that was amy pohler line. we have reoccurring characters, not as much when watching the show like when i was growing up am but you are literal leigh trying to come up with something new and you fail at least 20 times a week. and then you get-- then
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hopefully you don't on saturday. >> jon: hopefully. i don't have any facts to back this up-- (laughter) but i heard last year 30 people were killed in an avalanche on sketch mountain. >> that's what i heard. >> nobody, it's true. >> jon: obviously i don't have the facts but i heard there was a terrible tragedy on sketch mountain. >> awful, horrible. >> jon: i done know if you are allowed to say this eddie murphy, is he coming on the show. >> i done know. i don't know. i am-- . >> jon: they if they don't tell you. >> they don't clear anything with me, not at all, nothing, nothing at all. when we picked the election in 2008, had nothing to do with that. i don't have the facts to back that up. >> jon: no, i understand. >> i don't. >> jon: nobody has the facts to back that up. >> we might have been in cahoots it there. but no, i don't know. you mean the guy that played third base for the orioles, eddie murray. >> jon: switch hitter. tremendous ballplayer. >> my fault. >> jon: i always wanted-- ed
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yee murphy is one of those guys to come back to snl would be great. >> one of the best ever. on the mt. rushmore. i won't know until sunday. i get the blinders on, i'm there, i'm just doing my thing, if eddy murphy what was there i would be like what, nobody tells me anything. >> jon: what is the best band you ever saw, has there been a musical act where you are like i can't even believe these guys are here this week. >> when you get to see you2 and bono, he does not care where the cameras are facing, he will jump up, walk around, jump on your heads like he is roberto benigni. that's something else to see but then like a personal favorite are willco, getting willco on, thats with a big moment where we got to see just their name as a possibility and seth meyersçó and i are big fans and i walked in sand aid willco might make the show. we got to make this happen. and again not having any influence, seth having much, much more influence, and loren having the most
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influence over his own show, which is good to he no. he knows what is going on, luckily. hand they got to come on so, that was really, really neat, and the foo filers joo there is the show and then there is also probably a sound rehearsal, where they are probably just sitting there where you can probably touch them. >> paul mccartny, paul mccartny -- even play but rehearsed maybe on-- i am amazed, i love that song. and he was doing it right theres, just him and a piano and we are all like 40 feet away. >> jon: you forget it is paul mccartny until you try to take a picture and a big black guy slaps your hand and you are like right, right, right, right. my bad, reggie, my bad. >> jon: i didn't know mccartny was carrying muscle. >> oh, yeah, he is, secret muscle. like-- beatles muscle, you don't even know it is happening. it is like you find out that last second. >> jon: i always want to know what -- they smell
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like -- >> the beatles. >> jon: no, when i met bono i always try an lean in and be like, cinnamon, nice. always something special in there fors to guys. >> yeah, they know what they're doing. probably all shampoo-based. a lot of-- product. >> jon: i don't have the facts to back that up, pretty sure it is cinnamon. i wish you all the best. great show. you keep doing a great job. >> appreciate it. >> jon: i would shake your hand but i got nothing. "saturday night live", this weekend. jason sudeikis, everybody. (cheers a man: my electric bill was breaking the bank.
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so to save some money, i trained this team of guinea pigs to row this tiny boat. guinea pig: row...row. they generate electricity, which lets me surf the web all day. guinea pig: row...row. took me 6 months to train each one, 8 months to get the guinea pig: row...row. little chubby one to yell row! guinea pig: row...row. that's kind of strange. guinea pig: row...row. such a simple word... row. anncr: there's an easier way to save. get online. go to geico.com. get a quote. 15 minutes could save you
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15% or more on car insurance. >> jon: that's our show. so you know, like everyone, i think we were sad yesterday to hear about the passing of steve jobs. we've been fortunate here to have visited with him. he would come here a couple times to show us all how we would all communicate in the future. and was nice enough to call every now and again and when he thought a bit was funny or call every now and again when he thought one wasn't. and but always very charming and generous with his time. but i always thought for him to die young, it seems so strange because other people of his magnitude like henry ford and thomas edison, you sort of feel like we wrung everything out of them. they were old when they-- steve jobs you really got the sense like-- we're not done with you yet. and it was this sense that, you know, so what are we supposed to do now.
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what's next. it's sort of like an alien that comes down and gives you this new technology and shows you how to use it and takes off in the space ship and you're like wah, what's this green button. strange, unusual character. and won't see the likes of him for quite some time. there it is, your moment of zen. >> your time is limited. so don't waste it living someone else's life. don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. don't let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition-- intuition. they somehow already know >> stephen: tonight new developments in my colbert superpac. i can't wait to find out if i'm legally obligated it to tell you about them. (laughter) and my guest lieutenant

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